December 30, 2003

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

Just now, I kissed Mrs. Green and she said, "Hey! Have you been eating glue?"

No. I've been drinking rum-and-coke's, but... Glue? This begs a lot of questions, not the least of which is, "How many glue-eaters have you kissed?" Another would be, "Are you completely insane, or merely mostly gone?"

This is the love of my life, folks. I'm not saying she's a dangerous psychopath or anything, but if I ever stop blogging suddenly with no explanation... Blackfive, would you please call the police?

Posted by Mr Green at 11:42 PM | Comments (7)

The Legend Of The Lost Post

Heather and Juliette insist that the alcohol-fueled post I deleted was good, and Teresa has commented that she's feeling deprived that she missed it.

I want to encourage this as much as possible. Ahhh yes, the Great Lost Christmas Post. Rarely has such brilliant prose been conceived by mortal man. They say that reading it brought one a vision of heaven that made all earthly suffering seem insignificant. Sadly, it is no more. All one can do is continue to stop by this blog several times a day, because you never know when you may catch a fleeting glimpse of genius.

The Great Lost Christmas Post. Its flame burned too brightly to long endure. One might say its candle burned out long before its legend ever will...

Posted by Mr Green at 09:09 AM | Comments (5)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Tip of the hat to Sapphoto for this Nigerian scam related link.

Seems a Florida gentleman lost everything he and his wife had saved because he had somehow lived to be 73 but had never heard there was no such thing as a free lunch.

I do feel some pity for the man, who is still so gullible and trusting that he doesn't think he was scammed. And certainly the people who took his money deserve to spend all eternity chewing on razor blades. But for the love of God, how friggin' stupid can you be and still be able to speak in complete sentences?

Posted by Mr Green at 08:50 AM | Comments (2)

December 28, 2003

Lawsuit City

Perceptive readers (and insomniacs) may have noted a Mr. Green post that is no more. I got all drunked up at my in-laws’ on Friday night and made a semi-coherent blog entry. Saturday morning brought regret, a queasy feeling in the stomach, and a quick delete of my ramblings.

Since this is America and nothing anybody does is their own fault, this begs the question: Who’s fault was this? Who is to blame?

My wife– She saw me drinking. Although she has known me for over seven years and knows that sometimes I drink to excess, she never made me stop. Why not? As my supervisor, she bears overall responsibility for my actions. She must be held accountable.

My sister-in-law – She saw me sitting at the keyboard, drink in hand. She had a responsibility to make sure I wasn’t using the computer in a dangerous fashion. But she just walked away! I could barely type, and she left me alone with an Internet-connected PC. Reprehensible.

The makers of Jack Daniel’s whiskey – These people make a product that when used as directed, i.e. ingested orally, leads to impaired functioning. And it’s legal! Has Ralph Nader heard about this? Clearly they owe me a lot of money.

The Coca-Cola Company – I was mixing the Jack Daniel’s “Elixer of Death” with Coke. They should have foreseen that their product could be used as a “mixer”, making an alcoholic beverage like Jack more palatable, and thus easier to consume in mass quantity. But does a can of Coke come with a warning label? No! Liability, people. I smell dollars!

My father-in-law – He bought the whiskey and the Coke, and made them freely available to me. At no time did he check my ID to make sure I was of legal drinking age, nor did he ever give me a keyboard-side sobriety test. Criminal!

All of these people and corporations are responsible for what I did, and it was only through my quick thinking and actions on Saturday morning that disaster was averted. I fully expect to be able to sue them for their negligence. Of course, to sue my wife would be to sue myself, since we have joint finances. She is going to have to make it up to me through non-economic means...

Wait, can she sue me for sexual harassment? Dammit, this litigation stuff is complicated.

Posted by Mr Green at 04:24 PM | Comments (9)

December 22, 2003

Holiday Break

We're off to visit relatives, so no blogging for another week or so. Happy Holidays to all!

Posted by Mr Green at 10:27 PM | Comments (1)

December 20, 2003

Nigeria III

I think he's getting too wary, so I go for the throat.


From: Barrister Bello Yakubu
To: Mr. Green
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2003 05:46:52 -0500
Subject: Fine.

I will be expecting your call today. Maybe we would talk.

PHONE: 234-803-3262345.


From: Mr. Green
To: Barrister Bello Yakubu
Date: Sat, 20 Dec 2003 21:01:58 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Fine.

We have much to discuss, my friend. Unfortunately, as I may have mentioned, I do not have the means to contact you via telephone until such time as my great bitch of a favorite aunt expires at the last and leaves me some funds. But in the meantime, I must share with you a perplexity.

I was visiting the home of my friend Steve along with my friend Bartman. These two are always talking about their dream of becoming purveyors of only the finest of imported dildos and cock rings – in short, of opening a Mrs. Dildo franchise. Once more these buffoons subjected me to their prattling on the subject of how they are to make their fortunes by plying such trade, and I had heard enough. Striving to be as cool as the cucumber, I said to them that I was going to make millions by helping my friend Bello Yakubu, the great Nigerian barrister, depose of the funds of his client. Well, much to my surprise, they commenced to a laughing the likes of which I have rarely heard!

When my confusion was laid plain, Bartman told me that your letter to me was an example of something called a “Nigerian Scam”! He said that if I were fool enough to give you the information about a banking account which I were to open, that you would invent many clever reasons why I should deposit funds for you to take. Such as the bribing of the officials, and the fees of the funds transfer, and the like. I patiently explained to him that Bello and I were like the brothers born to different mothers, and that you needed me to help you as much as I need you to help me. I told them that it was you who would deposit the funds that I was to take for my own, after of course you took your share! It was then that Steve laid upon my pants a shock that I thought should lay them tattered and in all ways bare.

He turned on his computer and accessed his email account, and lo! He showed me an email from one Bello Yakubu of Nigeria! It was the exact same message that you had first sent to me! And as I tried to defend your honor to the laughing of these jadegolds, it only made them laugh the harder!

Bello, my face increased in redness as my trousers slackened. I do not want to believe the things they said to me, but I saw with my own eyes the email which Steve had received from you. Are you looking for other partners? For I felt as though we had made a bondage, and for you to be talking to others now makes me think you have forgotten the pants of your father.

I urgently await the clarification on these matters.

Yours truly,

Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at 11:08 PM | Comments (5)

December 19, 2003

Nigeria II

As you will to be seeing, my new best friend has some of the reservations. But I have a plan to continue the funny!


From: Barr. Bello Yakubu
To: Mister Green
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 14:57:00 -0500

Dear Green,
I'm afraid we may not continue for these reasons:-
1. You would be questioned and forced to explain where and how such
huge amount of money entered into your account suddenly,maybe they might
even find out that you have nothing before then.
2. Since you are as poor as not being able to pay your telephone bills,
you may be not able to contact the bank bearing in mind that the bank
would not send any documents to you via email nor communicate.
I had wanted someone who is bouyant so that the money and our security
can be assured.
Please I'm sorry we can not continue if only that you are telling the
truth about our self.

PHONE: 234-803-3262345.


From: Mister Green
To: Barr. Bello Yakubu
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 19:32:05 -0800 (PST)

My dear friend Bello,

If I had not already received most hopeful news at the time in which I read your most recent message, I would have been transponded to the very depths of despair. But my pants remain committed to their course. Your objections which are so reasonable lead me to believe that you are exceedingly wise, and that with your expert guidance we will still be able to bring this transaction to a successful.

You see, I just learned yesterday in a message from my mother that my dear aunt Gert has fallen sick! It is the happiest news yet! For she is a very old woman, and I am her favorite nephew. Perhaps she will die soon! When she does die, I expect to receive a sum of money between 25 and 50 thousands of dollars.

While it is possible that I could take those monies and open my very own "Mrs. Dildo" store (much to the grinding jealous of my friends), I dream of greater things yet. For as the great American prophet Samuel L. has said: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Bello, I am a righteous man, and long have the evil men tyrannized my trousers! I hunger for a triumph the likes of which will make it all worthwhile.

Oh please tell me we may still embark upon this journey together! Surely a man possessing a sum of money such as I have indicated above would be respectable enough for the bank? I think it must be so.

And when we have secured our fortunes, you must come to Chicago! I can show you all the glories of the city, for I was at one time a taxi cab driver. I know all the longest and most circuitous routes, and you shall have a tour to see it all!

Pray with me for the death of my beloved aunt! Make the pie higher!

Fantastically yours,

Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at 09:40 PM | Comments (2)

December 18, 2003

I'm Gonna Be Rich!

I know I'm not the first one to mess with someone pulling the Nigerian scam, but damn! Is it fun or what? I'll let you all know if I hear back from him.


To: Mister Green
Date: Mon, 15 Dec 2003 04:05:45 -0800
Subject: Very important business proposal.

Attention : Sir/Madam,
Dear Sir/ Madam,
I am Barr. Bello Yakubu ,an Attorney at Law and Personal attorney to Engineer Steve Jason who worked with the Shell Development Company here in Nigeria until his dearth; hereinafter shall be refered to as my client. On the 21st of April 2000, my client with his wife together with the two children were involved in a fatal road accident as they were Returning From holiday along Kano - Sokoto express way. All occupants of The Vehicle unfortunately lost their lives in the course of the accident. Since then, I have made a lot of unsuccessful
attempts and enquiries to many People and also to your Country's Embassy here in Nigeria just to Locate any of my client's immediate and extended relatives, but all effortsseems to prove abortive. I am contacting you to assist in claiming the sum of US$25 Million in cash which the deceased deposited in African Development bank Nigeria.

The Manager of the bank last week has issued a notice to me as the onl y
person who can attest for the deceased, to provide the next of kin to my
late client or have the deposit with them declared ''an Abandoned Property'' following the laid down legal procedure within one month from the date of issue of the notice. Much as I have been unsuccessful in locating any of the relatives of the deceased for over one year now, I therefore seek your indulgence to present you as the next of kin to the deceased so that the proceed from this deposit valued at Us$25 million can be released to your account over there and I collect 60% while you collect 35% while 5% will be set aside for any expenses which might result from the transfer. The transaction is 100% risk free and
highly confidential .You will only have to open an account for the lodgment of
the money in your country or any country of your choice where you would
feel secured in keeping the money, after which, I will come to your country for the sharing.

Upon your acceptance and indication of interest to work with me,every other details as it affects the bank and transfer of the fund shall be given to yo without further delay as the Bank is working under a schedule. I shall provide all legal documents to back up our/your cliams as the next kin having in mind that the bank rely on me for authenticating any claim made by anyone as the former attorney.As I said, this information is confidential and your security is
fully protected and well quaranteed. This is my only and a dream come
through having served as an attorney for over 36 years. I really believe that we
can successfully conclude this business in few days starting from the day you made your intention known to me. please I'm really waiting for your good mail response as I count on you for co-operation.

Looking forward to working with you.


Barr. Bello Yakubu.


From: Mister Green
To: Barr. Bello Yakubu
Date: Mon, 15 Dec 2003 06:41:19 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Very important business proposal.

I am very interested in penis enlargement, Viagra, pornographic web sites, discount inkjet cartridges, and making money by helping people get millions of dollars out of Nigeria. Much to my delight, I find that I have the opportunity to indulge one of these interests. (At least one - what do you look like?)

Please let me know how to proceed and we shall be on our way to riches!

Most disingenuously yours,

Mr. Green


From: Mister Green
To: Barr. Bello Yakubu
Date: Wed, 17 Dec 2003 13:18:54 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: Very important business proposal.

I replied to this offer several days ago, and you have not responded. Are you merely teasing me?


To: Mister Green
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 05:04:36 -0500
Subject: I'm very sorry.

Dear Mister Green,
I am very sorry for haven't replied to your email after you responded
to my proposal. Actually, I could read meanings into your reply as such
I referred it to be an automated response message. Sorry for that.
However, I must use this opportunity to let you know that you have
given me a great by your email this morning. I was planning going back to
the bank manager to ask for the opportunity to be shifted to January
pending my in ability to get a reliable person, but thank God you are here
and nothing will stop us from forging ahead immediately.
You could be able to read from my proposal that I was the personal
attroney to this deceased and would have all the neccessary inmformation
about him and this transaction.
I shall send to you by fax some documents from my chamber indicating
that I'm aware of your claim and that I authenticates that it's real and
legal so that you can then have the guide lines on how to get in
contact with the bank manager.
may I have your telephone number where I can contact you and you may
also contact me on the below number (234-803-3262345).
This business would take about 6 working days to come to completion
after you make your first contact with the bank.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Best regards,
PHONE: 234-803-3262345.


From: Mister Green
To: Barr. Bello Yakubu
Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2003 11:33:08 -0800 (PST)
Subject: Re: I'm very sorry.

Most excellent! I am highly agitated to have such an auspicious, pants-fulfilling opportunity to move beyond my frustrations of recent. You see, I have been unfairly reverse-hired from my most recent employment for reasons of which it would be indelicate for me to speak of at lengthiness. Suffice it to say that the manager with whom I had a most agreeable relations with suddenly decided he no longer wanted to be my bitch. But now, my pants are enhanced! My trousers are like the great sails of which were appended to the sailing ships of the past!

Yes, my new friend, let us adjourn ourselves to the environs of wealth! Sadly I am forced to correspond with you in this inter-net medium, for I am no longer afford to pay the telephone bill. I only have access to the computer at the public library, so I am able to speak with many people in it. But please tell me this need not hold us back! For I am most interested in showing all of my so-called friends that I have become prosperous beyond their silly dreams of one day owning their own "Mrs. Dildo" store.

As I have indicated, my monies are as modest as my pants are proud, so it will take me some time to beg from passers-by the funds necessary to open a bank account. (I usually conduct all my business in cash, you see.)

In the time of meanness, instead of a fax could you kindly send me in e-mail the documents of which you spoke? I would very much like to see them.

Now I must go - the people who walk the streets at lunchtime are generous, and I must do my most piteous groveling for them!


Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at 01:58 PM | Comments (6)

Morning Linkage

The Cheese Mistress has an excellent cat-washing method. Genius!

Victor sends me link love for my donation to the Get Pixy Pissed fund. (This assumes that my recollection about the word "pissed" being Australian slang for "intoxicated" is correct. Hopefully it doesn't mean "sexually violated by a koala", because, hey, that's no fun. I mean, I've heard that. I wouldn't know. Really.)

Any PETA loon who did this to my child would quickly develop some personal health issues.

I have it on good authority that Blackfive was wearing hobbit feet and referring to his wedding ring as "my Precious" when he saw Return of the King.

Ted wants to smack down (among others) the flu-panic-mongers. I agree, even though that disagreement runs counter to my desire to throw up my hands and run through the streets screaming "We're all gonna die!" at least once before I actually expire.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:58 AM | Comments (2)

December 13, 2003

Sour Bob

Sour Bob is sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, always a good read. I've been going through his archives and this made me nearly choke to death on my Scotch.

Posted by Mr Green at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)

Trolls, Dealing With

From Zork I:

The Troll Room
This is a small room with passages to the east and south and a forbidding hole
leading west. Bloodstains and deep scratches (perhaps made by an axe) mar the
A nasty-looking troll, brandishing a bloody axe, blocks all passages out of
the room.
Your sword has begun to glow very brightly.

>kill troll with sword
The fatal blow strikes the troll square in the heart: He dies.
Almost as soon as the troll breathes his last breath, a cloud of sinister
black fog envelops him, and when the fog lifts, the carcass has disappeared.
Your sword is no longer glowing.

Sometimes the old ways are the best.

Posted by Mr Green at 11:28 AM | Comments (2)

December 12, 2003

Wedding Bells

This entry on the Independant Women's Forum observes that most of the women who have been in the news for killing their kids have not been married, and asks:

Couldn’t the spate of killer moms have something to do with the dissolution of the two-parent family?

Could be. Or perhaps the qualities that make you a murdering nutjob also tend to reduce the probability of someone choosing to marry you. (Or choosing to stay married to you.)

Posted by Mr Green at 02:54 PM | Comments (1)

December 10, 2003

I've Been Outed

Blackfive has let on that today is my birthday. I'm 33, which is not at all old for a Galapagos tortoise. Or a tree.

Another birthday, another year closer to annual prostate exams.

Want a piece of cake?

Posted by Mr Green at 09:06 AM | Comments (9)

December 09, 2003

I Am Old

The wedding was fine, and the bachelor party was a blast up until the point where we went to Club Permanent Hearing Loss. This was not my choice; it was the groom’s. After being there for several hours, I can honestly say that there is little in life I would rather do less than be there. I hate dancing, insanely loud noise, comically overpriced drinks, and smelling like cigarette smoke at the end of a night out. I am unimpressed by smoke machines, strobes, and laser lights – the blinding, seizure-inducing light effects made it impossible to properly ogle the attractive and scantily-clad young women on the dance floor, which would have been the only good thing about the entire experience. (At least, until they realized they were being ogled by a creepy old guy and moved to a different part of the club.) The music was so loud it gave me a funny feeling in the pants – and not the good kind. I could feel my pants moving against my legs with the beat. I couldn’t understand what anybody was saying to me unless they screamed in my ear.

I would have hated being there 10 years ago, when I was single and only slightly above the average age of the crowd. Now, I really really hated it. And I felt like a crotchety old man for not having any fun.

But as I said, it was a blast up until that point. We drank some great Scotch, had a nice dinner, and thoroughly enjoyed when one of the other groomsmen, a real player if ever I saw one, turned on the charm and successfully got the phone number of a woman who turned out to be a prostitute. Good times.

Posted by Mr Green at 04:22 PM | Comments (5)

December 06, 2003

A Non-Penis Related Note

I'm in a wedding this weekend. Rehearsal and bachelor party today, ceremony and reception tomorrow.

The groom has told me it's *my* job to get him to the church on time, so I'm bringing a couple rolls rolls of duct tape and planning a 3 AM run to the church to affix his drunken, passed-out body to the front doors. I take my responsibilities in this matter seriously.

Have a good weekend, everybody. More bloggy fun next week, assuming I'm not in jail.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:49 AM | Comments (2)

December 03, 2003

Angelweave Endorses Gainpro!

Heather at Angelweave has gone on record in the comments to my post here as endorsing one penis-enlarging product above all others: Gainpro.

"Gainpro! Put it in your main post," she suggests, and while that speaks for itself, I'm pretty sure she would testify that it not only increases the length of your main post but also increases the girth of your main column.

Well, I'm sold! If Gainpro is good enough for Heather's high penis enlargement standards, it's good enough to get the Mr. Green seal of approval as well. As far as I'm concerned, there's only one product for all your penis enlarging and Site Meter enhancing needs - Gainpro.

Gainpro: Angelweave tested; Mr. Green approved.

Posted by Mr Green at 02:40 PM | Comments (7)

December 02, 2003

Blackfive Lies About Paris Hilton Sex Pics!

Blackfive admitted to exploiting the Paris Hilton sex tape to bolster his hits. Liar!

It seems that he posted an entry claiming to have Paris Hilton pictures, but in fact only had pictures of the Hilton hotel in Paris. It seems to me that having a blog entry implying pictures of the Paris Hilton sex tape when you do not have pictures of the Paris Hilton sex tape is more than a little cynical. Trying to jump on the Paris Hilton sex tape bandwagon is just a cheap stunt, and this blog would never imply that it had pictures of Paris Hilton having sex if it did not, in fact, have pictures of Paris Hilton having sex. (It doesn't.)

This blog would also never make repeated mention of the Paris Hilton sex tape in order to attract attention to itself, because it is the opinion of this blog that such stunts are every bit as tacky as the Paris Hilton sex tape.

Nor would this blog ever claim to have pictures of Anna Kournikova and Britney Spears engaging in lesbian sex acts, because as far as this blog knows, there are no pictures of Anna Kournikova and Britney Spears engaging in lesbian sex acts. (Talking about the pictures here. As far as this blog knows, Anna Kournikova and Britney Spears frequently engage in lesbian sex acts but just don't take any pictures. This blog can't prove it one way or the other.)

A little integrity, people. That's all we're asking for.

Posted by Mr Green at 10:36 PM | Comments (4)