December 28, 2003

Lawsuit City

Perceptive readers (and insomniacs) may have noted a Mr. Green post that is no more. I got all drunked up at my in-laws’ on Friday night and made a semi-coherent blog entry. Saturday morning brought regret, a queasy feeling in the stomach, and a quick delete of my ramblings.

Since this is America and nothing anybody does is their own fault, this begs the question: Who’s fault was this? Who is to blame?

My wife– She saw me drinking. Although she has known me for over seven years and knows that sometimes I drink to excess, she never made me stop. Why not? As my supervisor, she bears overall responsibility for my actions. She must be held accountable.

My sister-in-law – She saw me sitting at the keyboard, drink in hand. She had a responsibility to make sure I wasn’t using the computer in a dangerous fashion. But she just walked away! I could barely type, and she left me alone with an Internet-connected PC. Reprehensible.

The makers of Jack Daniel’s whiskey – These people make a product that when used as directed, i.e. ingested orally, leads to impaired functioning. And it’s legal! Has Ralph Nader heard about this? Clearly they owe me a lot of money.

The Coca-Cola Company – I was mixing the Jack Daniel’s “Elixer of Death” with Coke. They should have foreseen that their product could be used as a “mixer”, making an alcoholic beverage like Jack more palatable, and thus easier to consume in mass quantity. But does a can of Coke come with a warning label? No! Liability, people. I smell dollars!

My father-in-law – He bought the whiskey and the Coke, and made them freely available to me. At no time did he check my ID to make sure I was of legal drinking age, nor did he ever give me a keyboard-side sobriety test. Criminal!

All of these people and corporations are responsible for what I did, and it was only through my quick thinking and actions on Saturday morning that disaster was averted. I fully expect to be able to sue them for their negligence. Of course, to sue my wife would be to sue myself, since we have joint finances. She is going to have to make it up to me through non-economic means...

Wait, can she sue me for sexual harassment? Dammit, this litigation stuff is complicated.

Posted by Mr Green at December 28, 2003 04:24 PM

I loved the post! "Any jadegold who says otherwise..."

I'm sad you have stricken it.


Posted by: hln at December 28, 2003 05:44 PM

If the post actually did have merit and I should have left it up, then that's somehow my wife's fault too.

Posted by: Mr. Green at December 28, 2003 06:56 PM

Darn it! I knew I should have linked to it. It was hilarious.

I oughta sue you.

Posted by: Juliette at December 28, 2003 09:34 PM

Hmm... I probably have a back-up copy. Maybe I can auction it off to the highest bidder...

Posted by: Pixy Misa at December 29, 2003 12:36 AM

I laughed, I cried, I consulted councel.

Posted by: Ted at December 29, 2003 08:18 AM

Aw Man... Insomniac that I am - I missed the post! Now after Heather and Juliette tell the tale of how good it was... I'm feeling deprived. I think I'll sue too!

Posted by: Teresa at December 29, 2003 11:13 PM

Damn, I wish I had seen it.

I know all too well the results of the irresponsibility of makers of fine bourbons and whiskeys. People tend to fail their duties toward me in this regard when I'm on the phone, something I can't delete.

Posted by: Nathan at December 30, 2003 10:53 PM

Nathan, nothing good ever comes from talking. On the phone or otherwise.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool who carries a chainsaw and glares balefully at people who look at him the wrong way than to speak, I always say. Or would say, if I spoke. Which I don't.

Posted by: Mr. Green at December 30, 2003 11:44 PM

I would like to apologize to everyone for not stopping my husband, who, by the way is an adult, and quite a bit bigger than I, from drinking and making an ass of himself from my parent's computer. (Perhaps if he had been visiting with my family, instead of playing Geek Boy on the laptop that would not have happened!) I do remember my aunt expressing concern about how much he had to drink when he announced that he was going to "fix" the computer, but her fears went unheeded. I suppose that was my fault as well. I can see only one option avaliable to me: When Mr. Green returns to work next Monday,I will empty the contents of our extensive bar (including the bottle of Rum that he claims "came with the lottery tickets" I sent him for last night, and his favorite Johnny Walker Blue) down the drain. Hopefully this will save him (and the rest of us) from himself!
Mrs. Green

Posted by: Mrs. Green at December 31, 2003 06:00 PM