July 30, 2004

Why I have the world's best wife

It's not because she got me a Yamaha 8310Z Bobby Shew trumpet for our anniversary. It's not that she talked me into accepting the gift even though there are many other, more prudent things we could do with that much money. It's not even that this is the best gift since... well, since she talked me into getting the Yamaha 6310Z Bobby Shew flugelhorn two years ago.

No. The reason I have the best wife in the world is that she takes more pleasure from my happiness than I do myself. I really don't know what I ever did to deserve to marry this well.

Happy seventh anniversary, hon. I love you.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:42 PM | Comments (2)

July 29, 2004


Let me say first that I love Munuviana, okay? And my admiration for Pixy is second to none. But as those great poets of Expose noted, seasons change. While this blog once met my needs admirably, the realities of modern blogging are such that I need more revenue to compete.

In short, I need a new stadium.

Here's what I'm thinking. Capacity no less than 80,000, retractible dome, fireworks for when I get off a really good post, a Jumbotron, and luxury skyboxes - lots of skyboxes. I get all the gate money, half the TV revenues, and half the beer sales. All other revenue streams negotiable.

If I don't get a new stadium, I don't want to say that I'm going to walk, but... I have been in contact with representatives from Indianapolis and Jacksonville. And they've been very productive talks. Very productive.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:00 PM | Comments (1)


I was on the bus the other day on the way in to work, talking with an acquaintence. I know from some remarks this person has made in the past that she is a Kucinich liberal, i.e. is to Teddy Kennedy as Kennedy is to Reagan. As we were discussing some of the increased security precautions we had noticed at the downtown train stations - uniformed officers, bomb-sniffing dogs - she made a remark along the lines of, "They're just trying to keep us scared".

I was reminded of that exchange as I read today's Bleat:

As Teddy Kennedy said in his convention speech: “The only thing we have to fear is four more years of George Bush.” It’s really quite simple, isn’t it? We live in a manufactured climate of fear ginned up by war-crazed neocon overlords. There is no threat. The only thing we have to fear is Bush, who sits as we speak in the Oval Office sucking the marrow from Whoopi’s shin-bones.

If so, I wonder why anyone agreed to the stringent security policies that characterize this year’s conventions. Why the bomb-sniffing dogs? Why the snipers? Why the metal detectors, the invasive inspection of bags? Is it all an elaborate defense against Bush crashing the party and setting off a bomb belt, shouting God is Great, y’all!

No, they’re fearful of something else.

Damned if I know what, though. Damned if I know.

Posted by Mr Green at 10:04 AM | Comments (0)

July 28, 2004

Landslide Pending

I've heard some Republicans complain that Barack Obama has been the subject of too much laudatory press from the left-wing media.

Bah. I heard part of his speech last night at the DNC. There's a reason for the hype. The guy is good, and is the kind of person, regardless of politics, that we need more of in Washington. I can see why the Illinois Republican Party is having such a hard time finding someone willing to run against him. Whomever they find is going to get smoked.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:46 AM | Comments (0)

July 27, 2004

I Feel The Love

"Mr. Green is amazingly tasty" - fakedrpepper.com

Posted by Mr Green at 01:51 PM | Comments (0)

July 23, 2004

Election 2004

I have been racking my brain trying to decide who to endorse in this year's presidential election. I've decided to quit "polishing" my announcement, and just give it to you straight. Here goes.

At long last, the coveted Mr. Green endorsement for president can be announced. Never before in the history of our nation has there been such an important choice. Our nation stands at a crossroads, with its ongoing character, perhaps even its very survival, at stake.

[Name X] is clearly the candidate with the right vision for the nation. He is [desirable quality]. He is not at all [undesirable quality], as is [name Y]. If, God forbid, [name Y] is elected, it may very well be the end of the world as we know it. That may sound like a strong statement, but I’ll back it up. [Name Y]’s promised policy of [policy] would clearly lead to [undesirable result]. Would you want to live in a country where [undesirable result] is the order of the day? Neither would I.

And besides, I just read on [extremist website] that [name Y] may have [extremely bad thing] with [extremely bad people]. Or had sex with a goat. Is this a person who can be trusted? I think not.

[Name X] is a proven, experienced leader who will provide a much-needed dose of [desirable thing] in these troubled times. He will definitely [vague something]. [Platitude]. [Non sequitor]. [Platitude]. Join the winning team and vote for [name X] on November 2.

Posted by Mr Green at 10:20 AM | Comments (4)

July 21, 2004

Mr. Green Gets Results

The Democratic Party changed their minds after I threatened to smack them down for physically assaulting my grandmother. According to Newsday.com, Hillary will speak at the DNC on opening night, introducing her putative husband Bill.

The story did not specify how the face of American womanhood would be affected by this change.

Posted by Mr Green at 07:58 AM | Comments (0)

July 15, 2004

That Frothy Mix

"I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance. Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" - Sen. Rick Santorum

"Right. Remember when the homos hijacked those airplanes on September 11?" - Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at 12:02 AM | Comments (2)

July 14, 2004

I'm kicking someone's ass!

From the Chicago Tribune (registration required):

The former chairwoman of the New York State Democratic Party on Wednesday called it "a total outrage" and "very stupid" that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton has not been offered a prominent speaking role at the Democratic National Convention.

"It's a slap in the face, not personally for Hillary Clinton, but for every woman in the Democratic Party and every woman in America," said Judith Hope, a major party fund-raiser.

If Hillary's omission is a slap in the face to every woman in America, then the inclusion of Christie Vilsack, wife of Iowa governor Tom Vilsack, must then be a punch in the mouth. Or a kick in the shins. Or something.

Who the hell do these bastards think they are, that they can just come up and slap or punch or kick or otherwise cause bodily harm to my wife, my mother, or even my poor 98-year-old grandmother? What kind of a monster picks on a defenseless old woman?

This will not stand. As soon as I figure out who's responsible for this, they're going to be in some serious pain. Unless they change their minds and let Hillary speak, which would be like a soothing application of an expensive cosmetic product to the face of American womanhood. In which case, we cool.

Posted by Mr Green at 03:45 PM | Comments (1)

Road Trip

Mrs. Green and I are taking a quick trip to New Orleans this week and part of next. I've always wanted to go there, and while the weather in July isn't ideal (or even tolerable in the middle of the day), I'm really excited about it. Here are a few reasons why:

  • New Orleans has great jazz. Jazz is my favorite music.
  • New Orleans has great food. I love food. It was a Paul Prudhomme cookbook I picked up on a lark that got me interested in cooking.
  • New Orleans is a drinking-friendly town. I have been known to take a drink now and then.
  • New Orleans has a high crime rate. I am a criminal.
  • New Orleans is known as “The Big Easy”. I am big and easy.

It's like the town was made for me! Assuming I don't die of caloric and/or alcohol overdose, the diet / healthy living thing starts when we get back.

No, seriously. I mean it this time.

Posted by Mr Green at 11:22 AM | Comments (3)

July 13, 2004

So shall it be written, so shall it be done

Anna will return. She will write more of the funny posts which make us laugh. She will come back now. I command it.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:10 AM | Comments (2)

July 11, 2004

Here's to Michael Bolton!

I’ve spoken elsewhere about my Michael Bolton-loving assclown of a boss. Basically a good guy, good at his job, but holy Jeebus what a dork. So he gets this idea in his head that my department needs to spend more time together socially. And he asks me to plan something fun. Apparently I was chosen because of all the losers in my group, I am the one most likely to be able pull off “something fun”. This does not speak well of my group.

Now, I am a miserable excuse of a human being who hates all living things. So naturally, I am not going to plan anything where I have to interact with other people unless I can drink. Let’s see, what to do… A bar! We’ll go to a bar!

And that’s what we did Friday night after work. We went to a bar. I didn’t realize that Bolton Fan #1 was such a lightweight. The man simply cannot hold his liquor. I bought a couple rounds of shots – I don’t think the man had done a shot in his life, but he gamely choked them down and was immediately half in the bag. That enabled me to put him on the Never-Ending Cup Plan, in which I topped off his beer every time his attention wandered. The poor bastard was quickly out of his mind. At one point, he actually uttered the words, “Gosh! I think I’m getting a little tipsy!” And when we got to talking about the movie Office Space, he said, “I know they were making fun of Michael Bolton in that movie. But goddamn it, when he sings 'When A Man Loves A Woman' – I don’t care what anybody says, that’s some pretty goddamned good music!” He was so trashed at that point that there was no awkward “The boss just said something really dumb but we can’t disagree with him” moment. We were all able to raise a glass and yell “Damn straight!” and drink in honor of Michael Bolton without him becoming suspicious that we were yanking his chain.

We ended up putting him in a cab at 8:30. I didn't see him on the news or anything, so I assume he made it home without stopping to knock off a liquor store or anything like that. Good times.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:53 PM | Comments (4)

July 08, 2004

Lileks v. Moore

Today's Bleat slaps Michael Moore around. Although I don't believe a word Moore says about anything - if he told me his name was "Mike" I'd ask to see three forms of ID - I still enjoy seeing his lies and idiocies exposed.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)