Mister Green

Here's to Michael Bolton!

I’ve spoken elsewhere about my Michael Bolton-loving assclown of a boss. Basically a good guy, good at his job, but holy Jeebus what a dork. So he gets this idea in his head that my department needs to spend more time together socially. And he asks me to plan something fun. Apparently I was chosen because of all the losers in my group, I am the one most likely to be able pull off “something fun”. This does not speak well of my group.

Now, I am a miserable excuse of a human being who hates all living things. So naturally, I am not going to plan anything where I have to interact with other people unless I can drink. Let’s see, what to do… A bar! We’ll go to a bar!

And that’s what we did Friday night after work. We went to a bar. I didn’t realize that Bolton Fan #1 was such a lightweight. The man simply cannot hold his liquor. I bought a couple rounds of shots – I don’t think the man had done a shot in his life, but he gamely choked them down and was immediately half in the bag. That enabled me to put him on the Never-Ending Cup Plan, in which I topped off his beer every time his attention wandered. The poor bastard was quickly out of his mind. At one point, he actually uttered the words, “Gosh! I think I’m getting a little tipsy!” And when we got to talking about the movie Office Space, he said, “I know they were making fun of Michael Bolton in that movie. But goddamn it, when he sings 'When A Man Loves A Woman' – I don’t care what anybody says, that’s some pretty goddamned good music!” He was so trashed at that point that there was no awkward “The boss just said something really dumb but we can’t disagree with him” moment. We were all able to raise a glass and yell “Damn straight!” and drink in honor of Michael Bolton without him becoming suspicious that we were yanking his chain.

We ended up putting him in a cab at 8:30. I didn't see him on the news or anything, so I assume he made it home without stopping to knock off a liquor store or anything like that. Good times.