September 28, 2004

Special Guest Post

In my absence, I have asked University of Texas professor Brian Leiter to guest-blog on my site. The good professor has graciously agreed.

“Thank” you, Mr. Green. It is extremely tedious for me to be here today. As you know, or would know were you not so hopelessly stupid, I am much more intelligent than you. Like, this [holds arms far apart] is how intelligent I am, and this [holds forefinger and thumb very close] is how intelligent you are. Actually, that’s a bad example. I am physically incapable of holding my arms far enough apart to signify the magnitude of my intellect. Imagine, if you will, that each of my arms were a hundred miles long, and the arms of the person with the second-longest arms, which would also be directly proportional to the intelligence of said person, were maybe three feet long. You wouldn’t even have any arms. That’s how much smarter I am than you. Anybody who doesn’t see this is an idiot, beneath my contempt.

Being here is such a dreary waste of my time. My CV is 17 pages long. You probably can’t even spell “CV”. I am a multi-credentialed professor in a cognate field. You have an MBA, which is clearly indicative of both your moral depravity and your complete absence of intellect. How could you even hope to glean the smallest sliver of meaning from anything I had to say? Obviously such an attempt on your part would be hopeless. You listening to me speak would be akin to a dog listening to the brilliant Noam Chomsky. Not even a dog. An insect. You are to me as an insect is to Noam Chomsky, in terms of intellect and moral correctness. I don’t know why you would bother. But, as I always say, the less they know the less they know it.

That’s the problem with this world. All you pathetic worms who do not even hold a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, much less an advanced degree, fail to appreciate how completely devoid of worth you are. I got this Ph. D. to compensate for my small penis, but if you proles fail to apprehend what a genius it makes me, what was the point? I may as well have just bought a shiny red sports car, such as a Corvette. Maybe then the girls who used to laugh at me in high school wouldn’t have also laughed at me at my 20th reunion.

Anyway, back to your worthlessness. As a “blogger”, you are an especially odious example of non-me humanity. You bloggers disgust me so much that I write about it frequently on my blog. When I can overcome my own weary boredom to address the issue, that is. It is infinitely more stimulating to catalogue the comings and goings of philosophy and law professors, and the various mental deficiencies and character flaws of all people who are not me. Every minute I spend exposing the practice of blogging as a complete and utter waste of time is a minute I cannot spend demonstrating how all other human beings suffer in comparison to myself.

You might think that at some point, the enjoyment I derive from shitting all over everybody and everything except the handful of geniuses who think and believe exactly as I do might come to decrease. Happily, I continue to enjoy it every bit as much as I did the first time, when that odious second grade bully on the playground held me down and made me hit myself with my own hands. Once he grew tired of his game and let me up, I said, “I’m going to tell everybody that you eat dog turds, and they’ll believe me because I’m 13 and you’re only 7!” He thrashed me again, of course, but it was worth it. I had put him in his place, and I think he knew it.

So in conclusion, allow me to reiterate that I am perfect, and the rest of you are vermin. Good day.

Note: This post is a parody. It was composed by me, not Leiter. No self-important, morally cretinous professors were actually harmed in the composition of this post.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:56 PM | Comments (5)

September 21, 2004

Mr. Green is on hiatus

I'm going to be taking an extended blog break. I don't know how long it will last, but I can't imagine myself posting again before election day. This is for two reasons:

1) I am sick to death of politics. Sick of reading about it, sick of thinking about it, sick of talking about it, sick of trying to avoid talking about it. Here's my official endorsement for president: None of the above. Whoever wins, my advice to you is to lay low, keep your hand on your wallet, and pray.

2) For a lot of boring reasons, I don't have time for this right now. Something's gotta give, and this is it.

So that's it for a while. As Dan Rather might say: Courage.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:07 AM | Comments (6)

September 13, 2004


I didn't forget.

I just didn't have anything new to say. This post from last year still accurately summarizes my feelings.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:22 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2004

They Just Don't Get It

The reason the Swift Boat Vets for Truth charges have dogged Kerry is that they go to the heart of the only reason (besides the fact that he is not George W. Bush) he has offered us as to why we should vote for him: He was a big hero in Vietnam. The Vets' charges about what Kerry did in Vietnam and after he came home are not just personal attacks, they are attacks on the core of Kerry's argument (such as it is) that he should be president.

Oliver Willis and others hope that Kitty Kelley's new book on the Bush family will have an effect on Bush's campaign like the SwftVets' book has had on Kerry's. In the book, it is alleged that Bush did a number of bad things before he sobered up and found religion.

No shit! Really? That would be extremely interesting if he hadn't already admitted as much, and if he were running for reelection based on what he was doing in 1970. We already know he was a feckless drunk who probably did drugs and enjoyed a fun but unaccomplished life as George H. W. Bush's son. This isn't going to come as a shock to anybody.

No matter how much the media flog this story - and they are going to beat it like a speed freak playing whack-a-mole - it's not going to help Kerry. And they aren't going to understand why.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:25 PM | Comments (5)

September 07, 2004

Who Is The Man?

If you're not at all interested in hearing me rant about college football, you can safely ignore this entry.


People sometimes ask me, “Mr. Green, who is The Man?” To which I invariably reply, “Joe Tiller is The Man.”

Joe Tiller is the head football coach at Purdue University. Before he came in 1997, to call the Purdue football program “moribund” would have been an orgy of understatement. They hadn’t had a winning season or been to a bowl game since 1985. For most of those years, Purdue was one of the worst teams in Division I college football. I remember when Notre Dame would play at Purdue when I was a student in the late 80’s / early 90’s. When the game was played, it wasn’t a question of who was going to win, or even if it was going to be close. That we were going to be crushed was a given. The only question was how many Purdue starters were going to be injured and lost for the season. It was like men against boys.

The ND game would be the only game all year that would sell out. But the stadium would have about 10,000 Purdue fans and 60,000 ND fans who made the trip to West Lafayette from their home in the sixth circle of Hell, a.k.a. South Bend. They would tromp all over my beloved campus, looking smug, knowing that they were going to see their team annihilate ours. They crushed our team, drank our liquor, stole our women, held us down on the ground and made us hit ourselves in the face with our own hands until we said “uncle”.

But that changed when The Man came to town. Purdue’s first win under Tiller was against Notre Dame, the first time in 12 years we had beaten the Irish. That was the first of eight wins in the regular season that year, and the 8-3 record got Purdue to the Alamo Bowl, where they defeated Oklahoma State. They have been to a bowl every year since, seven straight seasons. Purdue had been to a grand total of five bowl games in the previous 70+ years. And they’ve beaten ND two more times, too.

Best of all, under the leadership of The Man, Purdue is 6-1 against arch-rival Indiana. Every time Purdue beats Indiana, an angel gets his wings.

All of this is a prelude to my main point. If Joe Tiller can do this much good for Purdue, I think it’s safe to assume he would be a far better president than either Bush or Kerry. He is tough, but fair. Brilliant, but modest. Accomplished, yet self-deprecating. Omnipotent, yet invincible. If Chirac gave him any lip, Tiller would make him do up-downs until he surrendered. Michael Moore would run so many laps he’d be skinnier than Ann Coulter. Michael Savage would shut up or be cut from the team.

Skeptics might point out that even The Man would have a difficult time leading the nation and the Purdue football team simultaneously. However reasonable this objection might seem on the surface, it is misguided. The limitations of mortal men do not apply to Coach Tiller.

In the season opener this year, Purdue shredded Syracuse 51-0. What more convincing could you need? Stand with me on November 2, and write in Joe Tiller for president. He is The Man.

Posted by Mr Green at 09:34 PM | Comments (1)

September 03, 2004

Get Well

The Mr. Green editorial staff, 100% of which voted for Bill Clinton in 1992, officially wishes the former president a swift and complete recovery from his heart problems.

Posted by Mr Green at 11:40 PM | Comments (2)

September 02, 2004

Bush Courts Catholics

"Roman Catholics should campaign hard for Protestant President Bush, 'the candidate who shares the values Catholics hold dear,' rather than for Catholic challenger John Kerry, Republican leaders told activists at a rally near the GOP convention on Thursday."

When asked about the 152 executions in Texas during Bush's governorship, Republican leaders suddenly remembered they had left their ovens on.

Posted by Mr Green at 04:34 PM | Comments (2)