September 07, 2004

Who Is The Man?

If you're not at all interested in hearing me rant about college football, you can safely ignore this entry.


People sometimes ask me, “Mr. Green, who is The Man?” To which I invariably reply, “Joe Tiller is The Man.”

Joe Tiller is the head football coach at Purdue University. Before he came in 1997, to call the Purdue football program “moribund” would have been an orgy of understatement. They hadn’t had a winning season or been to a bowl game since 1985. For most of those years, Purdue was one of the worst teams in Division I college football. I remember when Notre Dame would play at Purdue when I was a student in the late 80’s / early 90’s. When the game was played, it wasn’t a question of who was going to win, or even if it was going to be close. That we were going to be crushed was a given. The only question was how many Purdue starters were going to be injured and lost for the season. It was like men against boys.

The ND game would be the only game all year that would sell out. But the stadium would have about 10,000 Purdue fans and 60,000 ND fans who made the trip to West Lafayette from their home in the sixth circle of Hell, a.k.a. South Bend. They would tromp all over my beloved campus, looking smug, knowing that they were going to see their team annihilate ours. They crushed our team, drank our liquor, stole our women, held us down on the ground and made us hit ourselves in the face with our own hands until we said “uncle”.

But that changed when The Man came to town. Purdue’s first win under Tiller was against Notre Dame, the first time in 12 years we had beaten the Irish. That was the first of eight wins in the regular season that year, and the 8-3 record got Purdue to the Alamo Bowl, where they defeated Oklahoma State. They have been to a bowl every year since, seven straight seasons. Purdue had been to a grand total of five bowl games in the previous 70+ years. And they’ve beaten ND two more times, too.

Best of all, under the leadership of The Man, Purdue is 6-1 against arch-rival Indiana. Every time Purdue beats Indiana, an angel gets his wings.

All of this is a prelude to my main point. If Joe Tiller can do this much good for Purdue, I think it’s safe to assume he would be a far better president than either Bush or Kerry. He is tough, but fair. Brilliant, but modest. Accomplished, yet self-deprecating. Omnipotent, yet invincible. If Chirac gave him any lip, Tiller would make him do up-downs until he surrendered. Michael Moore would run so many laps he’d be skinnier than Ann Coulter. Michael Savage would shut up or be cut from the team.

Skeptics might point out that even The Man would have a difficult time leading the nation and the Purdue football team simultaneously. However reasonable this objection might seem on the surface, it is misguided. The limitations of mortal men do not apply to Coach Tiller.

In the season opener this year, Purdue shredded Syracuse 51-0. What more convincing could you need? Stand with me on November 2, and write in Joe Tiller for president. He is The Man.

Posted by Mr Green at September 7, 2004 09:34 PM

Watching Michael Moore run laps until he puked would get my vote.

Posted by: Howard at September 9, 2004 08:57 AM