September 28, 2004

Special Guest Post

In my absence, I have asked University of Texas professor Brian Leiter to guest-blog on my site. The good professor has graciously agreed.

“Thank” you, Mr. Green. It is extremely tedious for me to be here today. As you know, or would know were you not so hopelessly stupid, I am much more intelligent than you. Like, this [holds arms far apart] is how intelligent I am, and this [holds forefinger and thumb very close] is how intelligent you are. Actually, that’s a bad example. I am physically incapable of holding my arms far enough apart to signify the magnitude of my intellect. Imagine, if you will, that each of my arms were a hundred miles long, and the arms of the person with the second-longest arms, which would also be directly proportional to the intelligence of said person, were maybe three feet long. You wouldn’t even have any arms. That’s how much smarter I am than you. Anybody who doesn’t see this is an idiot, beneath my contempt.

Being here is such a dreary waste of my time. My CV is 17 pages long. You probably can’t even spell “CV”. I am a multi-credentialed professor in a cognate field. You have an MBA, which is clearly indicative of both your moral depravity and your complete absence of intellect. How could you even hope to glean the smallest sliver of meaning from anything I had to say? Obviously such an attempt on your part would be hopeless. You listening to me speak would be akin to a dog listening to the brilliant Noam Chomsky. Not even a dog. An insect. You are to me as an insect is to Noam Chomsky, in terms of intellect and moral correctness. I don’t know why you would bother. But, as I always say, the less they know the less they know it.

That’s the problem with this world. All you pathetic worms who do not even hold a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, much less an advanced degree, fail to appreciate how completely devoid of worth you are. I got this Ph. D. to compensate for my small penis, but if you proles fail to apprehend what a genius it makes me, what was the point? I may as well have just bought a shiny red sports car, such as a Corvette. Maybe then the girls who used to laugh at me in high school wouldn’t have also laughed at me at my 20th reunion.

Anyway, back to your worthlessness. As a “blogger”, you are an especially odious example of non-me humanity. You bloggers disgust me so much that I write about it frequently on my blog. When I can overcome my own weary boredom to address the issue, that is. It is infinitely more stimulating to catalogue the comings and goings of philosophy and law professors, and the various mental deficiencies and character flaws of all people who are not me. Every minute I spend exposing the practice of blogging as a complete and utter waste of time is a minute I cannot spend demonstrating how all other human beings suffer in comparison to myself.

You might think that at some point, the enjoyment I derive from shitting all over everybody and everything except the handful of geniuses who think and believe exactly as I do might come to decrease. Happily, I continue to enjoy it every bit as much as I did the first time, when that odious second grade bully on the playground held me down and made me hit myself with my own hands. Once he grew tired of his game and let me up, I said, “I’m going to tell everybody that you eat dog turds, and they’ll believe me because I’m 13 and you’re only 7!” He thrashed me again, of course, but it was worth it. I had put him in his place, and I think he knew it.

So in conclusion, allow me to reiterate that I am perfect, and the rest of you are vermin. Good day.

Note: This post is a parody. It was composed by me, not Leiter. No self-important, morally cretinous professors were actually harmed in the composition of this post.

Posted by Mr Green at September 28, 2004 08:56 PM


Posted by: Jennifer at September 28, 2004 09:23 PM

"No self-important, morally cretinous professors were actually harmed in the composition of this post."

To bad really.

Posted by: The Maximum Leader at September 29, 2004 12:31 PM

Well done. I didn't know how to spell C.V. until now. I just want to see the original document first, as I've been lead to believe it was typed on an IBM 1972 Scelectric.

At 7 days this marks almost a record for you in staying away from your blog post-retirement. Congrats. Personally I'm glad you aren't cured of your blog addiction.

Posted by: Simon at September 29, 2004 10:26 PM

LOL!!! I love you, Mr. Green!

Posted by: Susie at October 2, 2004 11:51 AM

It was a parody?!?!?!?!

Good thing I wasn't nodding in agreement, lips moving as I read along. Nope, not me.

Posted by: Ted at October 4, 2004 10:52 AM