People frequently ask me, “Mr. Green, you are dead sexy.” Which is actually more of a statement than a question, but I just sort of go with it so as not to be rude. Then they usually proceed to ask if I would have sex with them, or how they can become as sexually irresistible to women as I am.
To the first group I always have to say “no”, despite my lifelong attraction to females and my recent homosexual stirrings (awakened by the prospect of legal gay marriage – Republicans, please hurry up with that Constitutional amendment, as I don’t know how much longer I can hold out). I am a married man, and I love my wife dearly. Also, I don’t want to die. Although I am much bigger and stronger than she is, she has a dirty look so lethal it can shatter concrete at 30 feet.
To the second group, honesty compels me to tell them that there’s nothing they can do to equal my sex appeal. My unique combination of good looks and seductive personality is not something easily replicated. But you can get the majority of my results by simply doing the following: Work in the information technology field.
All right, I know this is no big secret. The overwhelming sexiness of IT workers is well-documented. But it’s worth mentioning. If you don’t happen to work in IT, consider changing careers. If you have no discernable IT-related skills, you may be perfect for project management. If your IQ is less than 70, you can go to work for any of the vendors I work with every day.
It’s hard to pinpoint what it is that makes IT workers so irresistible. The bad clothes, the body shaped by too many hours parked in front of a keyboard and too many vending machine runs, the ability to discuss things like database indexing strategies at parties. All of these things are factors.
The downside is that pretty soon, all IT jobs will be concentrated in India and Americans formerly employed in IT will be reduced to trying to sell each other Amway products and asking each other if they’d like fries with that. So I predict a massive upswing in the sexiness of the Indian subcontinent, and that bereft of their amazing sex appeal, Americans formerly employed in IT will end up living in their parents’ basements, where they will play Dungeons and Dragons and watch Star Trek with their equally dorky friends. I know, that's a bold prediction. But that's the kind of deep thinker I am.
So on second thought, working in IT as a means to emulate me may not be such a hot long-term plan. But for now, it’s the best advice I can give you. Live long and prosper.
The choice: Bush or Kerry? And remember: Death is not an option.
Things about which I agree with Bush: National Security
Things about which I disagree with Bush: Everything Else (gay marriage, faith-based initiatives, massive defecit spending, his willful refusal to acquire any information not spoon-fed to him by his handlers/trainers, expanding Medicare, immigration, the Patriot Act, cuddling up with the House of Saud, etc.)
Things about which I agree with Kerry: Everything*
Things about which I disagree with Kerry: Everything*
Every election I think the choice between the lesser of two evils is the hardest ever, and four years later it just gets worse.
* Depending on what side of his mouth you’re listening to at the time.
Snood is a simple but highly addictive game, a little like Tetris. There are seven different "snoods" it gives you to shoot from your gun, but sometimes not the ones you need. At the “Evil” difficulty level, I swear it intentionally tries to screw you up - the distribution of snoods it gives you seems distinctly un-random. Here’s a conversation between me and what I imagine the game would say as it gives me new snoods to shoot.
Snood: Here. Have a triangle.
Mr. Green: I don’t need a triangle. In fact, it’s the one thing that does me no good at all right now. I’ll just toss it over to the side there.
S: Have a triangle.
MG: Damn. Really need a square. [Tosses it over there next to the other one.]
S: Have another triangle.
MG: Sigh. Well, at least I get rid of the first two. [Shoots it at first two, all three vanish.]
S: Guess what? I’ve got a triangle with your name on it!
MG: Thanks. Asshole. Back over to the side.
S: Touchy, touchy. How about a nice blue ball?
MG: Not what I was looking for, but at least it’s not another fucking triangle. Now, c’mon, gimme a square. Square!
S: Here’s a square for you. Wait – did I say square? I meant triangle.
MG: [Seethes.] I’m gonna put this one over by the other, but if you don’t give me a square soon I’m going to lose.
S: Gosh, that’s sad. I’m getting all weepy. Would you hold on to this triangle while I look for a tissue?
MG: I am just about out of patience, you fucking piece of… [Deep breath.] A triangle would be lovely, thanks. [Shoots it at first two, all three vanish.]
S: See? You talk nice, I take care of you. Here’s a square.
MG: Thank God. [Shoots, misses other squares that would have dropped about 40 snoods from the middle of the screen.] Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! FUCK! Now I need another one to fix this mistake…
S: Nice shootin’, Tex! That’s really funny. Let’s see if I’ve got another square…. Nope. But I’ve got a nice fresh tri-
MG: [Kills game. Imagines program screaming as it is dumped from memory.] That's right, tough guy! Who's your daddy? WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!!
It’s high time that Mr. Green weighs in on the Janet Jackson breast controversy. Here's what I think about it: I don’t give a damn.
Thank you for your attention. Have a nice day.