Mister Green

Be Like Mr. Green

People frequently ask me, “Mr. Green, you are dead sexy.” Which is actually more of a statement than a question, but I just sort of go with it so as not to be rude. Then they usually proceed to ask if I would have sex with them, or how they can become as sexually irresistible to women as I am.

To the first group I always have to say “no”, despite my lifelong attraction to females and my recent homosexual stirrings (awakened by the prospect of legal gay marriage – Republicans, please hurry up with that Constitutional amendment, as I don’t know how much longer I can hold out). I am a married man, and I love my wife dearly. Also, I don’t want to die. Although I am much bigger and stronger than she is, she has a dirty look so lethal it can shatter concrete at 30 feet.

To the second group, honesty compels me to tell them that there’s nothing they can do to equal my sex appeal. My unique combination of good looks and seductive personality is not something easily replicated. But you can get the majority of my results by simply doing the following: Work in the information technology field.

All right, I know this is no big secret. The overwhelming sexiness of IT workers is well-documented. But it’s worth mentioning. If you don’t happen to work in IT, consider changing careers. If you have no discernable IT-related skills, you may be perfect for project management. If your IQ is less than 70, you can go to work for any of the vendors I work with every day.

It’s hard to pinpoint what it is that makes IT workers so irresistible. The bad clothes, the body shaped by too many hours parked in front of a keyboard and too many vending machine runs, the ability to discuss things like database indexing strategies at parties. All of these things are factors.

The downside is that pretty soon, all IT jobs will be concentrated in India and Americans formerly employed in IT will be reduced to trying to sell each other Amway products and asking each other if they’d like fries with that. So I predict a massive upswing in the sexiness of the Indian subcontinent, and that bereft of their amazing sex appeal, Americans formerly employed in IT will end up living in their parents’ basements, where they will play Dungeons and Dragons and watch Star Trek with their equally dorky friends. I know, that's a bold prediction. But that's the kind of deep thinker I am.

So on second thought, working in IT as a means to emulate me may not be such a hot long-term plan. But for now, it’s the best advice I can give you. Live long and prosper.

Posted by Mr Green at February 24, 2004 10:22 AM