Mister Green

Save me, Santorum!

Thank God for the Republicans. Although the Massachusetts Supreme Court has basically come out and said there is no valid reason to ban same-sex marriage, Congressional Republicans and President Bush appear poised to push for an amendment to the U.S. Constitution to ban it.

And it can’t come a moment too soon. After Texas ruled that sodomy was legal, I was seized by a nearly uncontrollable urge to suck cock.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m as straight as they come. But once I found out that it was legal to smoke pole, I was barely able to refrain from doing so immediately. Fortunately, I was alone when I found out. I shudder to think what might have happened if I had been, say, on the train.

And it’s not that I don’t love my wife. God knows, I love her more than life. But just knowing that I could drop her like a hot rock and get me some of that hot cock… Man. It’s taken all of my willpower to stay with her and engage in state-sanctioned, church-endorsed, fully legal, lights off, missionary position sex just as often as we wish to attempt to procreate.

But now that the prospect of divorcing her, moving to Massachusetts, marrying a man, and getting all of the red-hot anal action I can physically stand seems open to me – well, all I can say is, I hope the law prevents me from doing so before I lose all control and start chugging dick like it’s going out of style.

And I know it wouldn’t just be me. What heterosexual male, if given the choice, wouldn’t opt for the gay life? What husband wouldn’t leave his wife? What father wouldn’t desert his children? And it’s not just the men, of course. What woman would stay with a man if she were legally allowed to marry another woman? You know they'd all be munching carpet! It would be the end of the world within a hundred years, just because nobody would want to have intercourse with members of the opposite sex.

But mercifully, the Republicans are all over this one. Hopefully they can get the Constitution changed before it’s too late. Never mind terrorism, the mushrooming federal budget deficit, the death of personal responsibility, our failing public schools, the war in Iraq, global warming, the continuing existence of Ted Rall – the prevention of marriage between consenting adults of the same gender is our most urgent problem.

Posted by Mr Green at November 18, 2003 10:14 PM