Mister Green

Mr. Green Has the Answers

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been asking yourself, “Am I sober enough to drive to the liquor store? If not, do I have time to walk there before it closes?”

But happily for you, you’re probably not like me, and thus are probably concerned with more universal questions such as, “What can be done about spammers?”

Well, on the supply side, not much. There are all sorts of reasons why it will be difficult or impossible to shut them down, but they all boil down to this: Where there’s money to be made, there will always be slimy bastards willing to do whatever they have to do to make it. And no matter how much 99.9999% of people with email accounts would like nothing more than to pick up a baseball bat, find a spammer, and whack them in the knee like Barry Bonds pounding a hanging curveball, spam will continue to proliferate because of the other 0.00001% - the people who buy from spammers.

So we have to address the demand side. Frankly, I would have expected this problem to take care of itself long ago. If you really believe that hot slutty teenaged girls want to talk to you if you give them your credit card number, or that you can get cheap boner pills without a prescription that actually contain something other than generic baking soda, or that you can make millions of dollars if only you send your entire life savings to a stranger claiming to be Nigerian royalty, then I would have pegged you as a Darwin Award impatiently waiting to happen. You should have accidentally choked yourself to death with the plastic bag your computer came wrapped in long before you had a chance to hook it up and start using that interweb thingy.

But clearly that hasn’t happened. So here’s my plan. We start our own spam campaign. In this one, the email claims to be from Microsoft, and it will go something like this:

Security Notice – Turn off your computer immediately. There is a new virus going around called “Mr. Green Laughs In Your Stupid Bovine Face”. It instantly destroys your hard drive and simultaneously makes you immune to boner pills and repulsive to hot slutty teenaged girls. A security patch from Microsoft will be beamed to your PC via satellite as soon as it is developed, and your PC will turn on by itself when it is safe to operate it again. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ACCESS THE INTERWEB UNTIL THIS HAPPENS! A man from Houston disregarded this warning and his genitals imploded. Another man from Minneapolis followed these instructions and now he is sleeping with Heidi Klum. Thank you for your cooperation.

Problem solved. Tune in next week when Mr. Green tackles telemarketers. Literally, God willing.

Posted by Mr Green at November 19, 2003 10:07 PM