Mister Green

An Open Letter to Ted Rall

Dear Ted,

I read your column entitled “Why We Fight”. Simply brilliant. Shifting the reader from the perspective of an ignorant American duped by a lying President and his venal administration to that of a noble Iraqi freedom fighter “under the brutal and oppressive jackboot of the U.S. Coalition Provisional Authority” was a masterstroke.

Your hero notes: “Soon the American public will note that the anticipated five-year price tag of $500 billion, with a probable loss of some 4,000 lives and 10,000 wounded, is not a reasonable price to pay to get our 2.5 million barrels of oil flowing to the West each month. This net increase, of just 0.23 percent of total OPEC production, will not reduce U.S. gasoline prices.” I’m not going to fact check your figures because I naturally trust your integrity. How come you are the only one who gets this? Why do the supporters of this war insist that it’s not about oil, when the far more compelling explanation that it is about the oil but nobody in the Bush administration can do math? Once you understand that Bush is simply a cheap knockoff of Hitler (but not as bright), it’s an elementary insight. One need not consider the matter any further.

And now I call on you, Ted, to step up and help right this wrong. I know you are a lone voice of sanity in the wilderness, bravely tapping away at your computer keyboard and drawing your wonderful cartoons, but your talents are needed elsewhere. Ted, the Iraqi people need you. Those brave Saddam loyalists who only want to return to a simpler time when they were free to rape and torture without fear of repercussion – they need you. The fundamentalist Islamists who understand that the West needs to be destroyed so they can continue oppressing their women and fighting to overthrow the vast Zionist conspiracy that controls everything on earth – they need you. Those shell-shocked Iraqi civilians who haven’t yet heard the message that America is the Great Satan, never mind the running water and open schools and improved electrical systems and the end of the torture chambers and children’s prisons and mass graves – they need you to understand that they’re being oppressed.

Go, Ted. Go to Iraq. Leave as soon as you can. Get over there and fight the good fight. Roll up your sleeves and get to work. If you end up being killed there, then at least you will have died knowing that you were a martyr to a noble cause – the fight against Bush. Godspeed, Ted.

America doesn’t deserve you.

Sincerely,

Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at November 13, 2003 09:17 AM