April 29, 2006

From the Department of Channeling Andy Rooney

Didja ever notice that every time you call some company, their phone menu says, "Please listen closely as our menu options have changed"? If they were all telling the truth, global commerce would come to a swift halt as employees everywhere would devote all their time and attention to changing their phone menu options, over and over and over again.

I wish they would just be honest. "Please listen closely, as we believe you are a mouthbreathing idiot who would be lucky to remember how to find your way back to the house from the mailbox if you didn't leave yourself a trail of breadcrumbs. There's no way in hell you're not going to screw this up unless we convince you to devote all your faculties, such as they are, to the Herculean task of choosing from our dizzying array of three options and mashing the corresponding button with your fist. Or you could fulfill our most cherished fantasy by simply hanging up the phone and killing yourself. Oh, you're just going to pound the zero key until we break down and let you talk to a real person, aren't you? God, how we hate you. We certainly hope you die soon. Please hold; a representative will be with you shortly."

Posted by Mr Green at 07:17 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 27, 2006

Outta my way, Jorge!

This is gonna piss me off:

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Pro-immigration activists say a national boycott and marches planned for May 1 will flood America's streets with millions of Latinos to demand amnesty for illegal immigrants and shake the ground under Congress as it debates reform.

Such a massive turnout could make for the largest protests since the civil rights era of the 1960s, though not all Latinos were comfortable with such militancy, fearing a backlash in Middle America.

"There will be 2 to 3 million people hitting the streets in Los Angeles alone. We're going to close down Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, Tucson, Phoenix, Fresno," said Jorge Rodriguez, a union official who helped organize earlier rallies credited with rattling Congress as it weighs the issue.

Okay. I actually support the idea that the millions of people who came to the U.S. looking for a better life and who work hard in demanding jobs deserve some road to citizenship, the illegality of their entry to this country notwithstanding. I understand that this is an important issue, especially to those personally affected by it. And the last time they had one of these rallies in Chicago, I understand it was peaceful and well-organized. I really respect that.

That said, last time it choked downtown, and this one is supposed to be three times as large. My commute is already over an hour most days. Anybody who makes it any longer is begging to be run over by my large American automobile .

It's about me.

Posted by Mr Green at 07:21 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

April 10, 2006

I am a winner

I don't know yet what it will mean for the future of this blog, but I just won a substantial amount of money in the Mega Millions lottery. Seriously. I am a lottery winner.

I know about the math and how unlikely it is to win, but sometimes I buy tickets anyway, whenever I notice that the jackpot is over $100 million. My thought is, we've been victims of some of the worst luck imaginable, so maybe that pendulum will swing back the other way and something good will happen for us.

And has it ever. I've read that there are certain things one should do - get out of town until the excitement dies down, form a corporation, insulate oneself from leeches and hangers on. I have plenty of time to worry about those things because I'm not going to claim the prize right away. I'm not going to be one of those people you read about who wins the lottery and blows through all the money in a few short years.

So that’s why I’m not taking the seven dollars in a lump sum payout. I’m not sure I could resist the temptation to spend it all at once.

Posted by Mr Green at 08:32 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

April 05, 2006

Happy Thought of the Day, Part 3

If being drunk on a Wednesday night does necessarily mean I have a problem, is it necessarily all that bad of a problem?

Posted by Mr Green at 08:20 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Happy Thought of the Day, Part 2

If I'm drunk on a Wednesday night, does that necessarily mean I have a problem?

Posted by Mr Green at 08:19 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Happy Thought of the Day

I've realized recently that being past my 35th birthday, I'm now closer to age 50 than age 20.

If I register for my mid-life crisis early, can I have my Corvette Convertible now?

Posted by Mr Green at 08:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 04, 2006

Somebody does not think Cynthia McKinney is insane

I just stumbled across this blog post, authored by someone who does not believe that Cyntha McKinney (D - Looneyville) is barking mad:

So I think McKinney, who isn't a wackjob or a nutter...

As far as I know, McKinney isn't a bomb thrower and doesn't have a record of flamboyant behavior...

I can't make a judgment either way, but I don't find McKinney to be prone to antics.

I don't know this guy, and have never read anything else on his blog. But I sure as hell want to be there when someone lets him know that President Kennedy has been shot. That Crazy Cindy is absolutely 100% batshit get-her-a-straightjacket crazy is no more up for debate than it is that gravity makes things fall down instead of up. I don't believe that she hit that cop because I'm racist; I believe she hit that cop because she's nuts.

Posted by Mr Green at 01:54 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack