Mister Green

From the Department of Channeling Andy Rooney

Didja ever notice that every time you call some company, their phone menu says, "Please listen closely as our menu options have changed"? If they were all telling the truth, global commerce would come to a swift halt as employees everywhere would devote all their time and attention to changing their phone menu options, over and over and over again.

I wish they would just be honest. "Please listen closely, as we believe you are a mouthbreathing idiot who would be lucky to remember how to find your way back to the house from the mailbox if you didn't leave yourself a trail of breadcrumbs. There's no way in hell you're not going to screw this up unless we convince you to devote all your faculties, such as they are, to the Herculean task of choosing from our dizzying array of three options and mashing the corresponding button with your fist. Or you could fulfill our most cherished fantasy by simply hanging up the phone and killing yourself. Oh, you're just going to pound the zero key until we break down and let you talk to a real person, aren't you? God, how we hate you. We certainly hope you die soon. Please hold; a representative will be with you shortly."