August 03, 2004

No, thanks.

An open letter to Illinois Treasurer and head of the state Republican Party, Judy Baar Topinka

Dear Ms. Baar Topinka:

I have some bad news. I must regretfully and preemptively remove my name from consideration for the Republican nomination for U.S. Senate.

I know you’ve never even heard of me. Although I am not a Republican, have no political experience, and am the kind of lecherous pervert that Jack Ryan aspires to become, I still think you’d have worked around to asking me sooner or later, and I’d just as soon save you the embarrassment of being rejected by yet another nobody. After all, every reputable Republican in the state, several disreputable ones, and more than a few politically-unaffiliated people you could sort of construe as being Republicans if you look at them in a certain light and squint at them the right way have all turned you down. Even Da Coach said no. You’ve been reduced to considering the likes of certifiably insane hunter-gatherer and Michigan resident Ted “Kill It And Grill It” Nugent.

Why am I bothering to withdraw my name from consideration before it is considered to begin with? Well, although I have the previously mentioned drawbacks as a candidate, I do possess all the attributes you seem to be looking for these days: 1) I am over the Constitutionally-mandated minimum age of 30; 2) I meet at least some of the criteria for being classified as “sentient”; and 3) I am not a Democrat.

Maybe I’m not currently in the top 10 on your list, but I think we both know you’d have been calling me by the end of the week. This way you can skip me and move on to the next-best candidate, the legendary former coach of the Chicago Bears and deceased Illinois resident George “Papa Bear” Halas.

Thank you for what certainly would have been your kind consideration.


Mr. Green

Posted by Mr Green at August 3, 2004 09:33 PM

It seems as if after getting your letter turing down the job they picked Keyes. Who better to represent the people of Illinois but a man from Maryland? Help me with the strategy here....

Posted by: Nene at August 5, 2004 08:38 AM

Now what do I do with all those "Mr. Green for Senate" posters I've been creating?

Posted by: Teresa at August 5, 2004 11:31 AM