June 07, 2004

I Have Something To Tell You

It's something about your favorite subject - you. Yes, you. It's something I have known about you for a long time, yet you may not even be aware of it. Are you ready? Okay, here goes.

You want to be in front of me.

Have you ever noticed it? Have you ever just been going about your business and felt this vague but unmistakable longing to find me and insert yourself in front of me? Sure you have.

Everybody has. But relatively few people get the opportunity to actually get in front of me. After all, there's only one me and billions of you. But one lucky class of people regularly get the chance to get in front of me: My fellow drivers on the expressway, every day I drive to work.

They come from near, they come from far. I suspect people who live right next to other expressways purposefully avoid them and drive to my neighborhood, just so they can cut in front of me. If they can make me hit my brakes, it's better because that forces me to acknowledge that they and they alone are right in front of me. I don't know why that's so desirable, but clearly it is.

Any time I leave a fraction of an inch of space between me and the car I'm behind, somebody moves to occupy that space. As I'm driving, people going the other direction glance over wistfully at the lucky bastard in front of me, wishing that they could jump the concrete median and take their best shot at the most coveted position in life - directly in front of me.

Why do I bring this up? Because I have a favor to ask. It's a small thing, and one that I'm sure you'll be happy to grant me. It is only this: Stop cutting me off in traffic or I will one day snap, accelerate into your rear bumper, and after you pull over, beat you to death with a tire iron.

I don't want to do that. You don't want me to do that. So let's work together to make sure that doesn't happen. You're welcome to be in front of me - I don't understand your strange need, but I accept it. Just stop making me slam my brakes.

Thanks ever so much.

Posted by Mr Green at June 7, 2004 07:49 AM

Oh.. was that you, sorry about that... if I see you on the Stevenson or the North-South Tollway, I will defiantly not cut you off... I'll cut the guy in FRONT of you off instead. Sorry for any inconvince. ;)

Posted by: Randy K at June 8, 2004 12:27 PM

Very kind of you, Randy. At least you get the consolation prize.

Posted by: Mr. Green at June 9, 2004 08:54 AM